Not in my neighborhood

8699927229_7c796c095d_b 

The following is an excerpt from my neighborhood list serve:

 

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 1:05 PM
Subject: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Modern Home,

l realize that your home design across the street from me may be a commentary on the current state of the social economic environment we find ourselves in at the beginning of the 21st Century; however, I feel a more historic facade would be in keeping with the character of this neighborhood. After all, one does not need to abandoned the lessons of the past in order to live in the present. The home I live in is historically charming, and still has all the comforts of the modern world. I even have a satellite dish (placed on the rear of the home of course). Obviously, modern conveniences do not need to conflict with an historic sensibility. Yet, your home has no charm at all. Your facade seems to scowl at me. Perhaps you could add more detail? I googled “brackets” and was surprised by the quantity of decorative eave options available. I would also recommend perusing the latest issues of Martha Stewart’s “Home” magazine. Granted, her design style is regionally specific to the upper middle class, but still, there is real value therein. I particularly enjoyed the recipes featuring pumpkin seeds. Perhaps you could incorporate some of her ideas into your design? And, of course, shutters are always an attractive addition to any home. What are you trying to prove with all that glass anyway?

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘Dwell’ <info[at]dwellmag[dot]com>
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 7:15 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Traditional Home,

I am not trying to prove anything. I am simply living in the “here and now.” Not everything in the past bears repeating. My grandfather was an alcoholic.

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 8:24 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Modern Home,

I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. But, keep in mind that “those who ignore the past are destined to repeat it.” Also, I think you have too much glass on your house. I can see things inside.

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘Dwell’ <info[at]dwellmag[dot]com>
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 9:11 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Traditional Home,

Are you implying that modernism causes substance abuse? Granted, you may have a point. But, I would ask that you refrain from looking into my private spaces. What I choose to do in my own living room is between me and my cats. You have no right to judge me. As a precaution, I’ve ordered custom retractable shades for all the windows that face your house. The shades are being shipped from Milan and should arrive in less than a year. In the meantime, I’ve installed a large portrait of Charles Eames in the front window. Do not look at it.

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>
Sent: Thursday, April 17, 2014 7:51 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Modern Home,

I’ve spent some time studying the local sign ordinances and feel certain that the large portrait you have installed on the facade of your non-contextual dwelling is in violation of the zoning regulations. Please remove the “sign” immediately.

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘Dwell’ <info[at]dwellmag[dot]com>
Sent: Friday, April 18, 2014 10:43 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Traditional Home,

Per your request, I have removed the portrait of Charles Eames. In its place, I have displayed an enlarged photograph of Victorian scroll-work that was typically installed along the eaves of front porches in homes of your style. I have drawn a large question mark on the photograph, subtly raising a question: “Why was this part of the historic character of your home omitted, and by whom?”

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>
Sent: Friday, April 18, 2014 10:44 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Modern Home,

I do not appreciate this assault on my good name. I have done everything within my means to faithfully recreate this home in keeping with the charms of a by-gone era. And, I have aspired to become a valued member of this prestigious neighborhood. Perhaps you should consider doing the same. How dare you belittle my character, and the character of this neighborhood with your flat roofs and your vacant stares.

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘Dwell’ <info[at]dwellmag[dot]com>
Sent: Friday, April 18, 2014 1:09 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Dear Traditional Home,

I think you’ve confused my vacant stare with a complete lack of appreciation for your colonial way of life. In the future, please consider parking your carriage in the rear of your homestead, near the smokehouse, or the pigsty. And, stop looking into my bathroom windows. 

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>: ‘WilsonWilsonWilson&Wilsonpllc’ <MrWilson[at]expensivesuits[dot]com>
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2014 11:28 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Suggestions for your facade

Mr. “so-called” Modern Home,

I, and my lawyers, have filed a motion to appeal the construction of your home based on numerous violations of the neighborhood appearance guidelines that I have recently begun drafting. Please cease all construction activities immediately.

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘Dwell’ <info[at]dwellmag[dot]com>
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2014 11:46 PM
Subject: Re: Suggestions for you to screw off

Traditional Home,

Screw you. I will cease nothing. Construction on this home was completed 6 years ago. In fact, I reviewed the county records, and my home was completed 3 years prior to yours. You are blocking MY view. Please move your “home” to the left.

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2014 11:47 PM
Subject: Re: Suggestions for you to go to hell

Modern Home,

I will not move. Furthermore, this modernist aggression against my way of life will not stand. It will not stand, I say.

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘Dwell’ <info[at]dwellmag[dot]com>
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2014 11:49 PM
Subject: Re: the burning of Atlanta

“Traditional” Home,

Jesus, Scarlett, have an iced tea. You sound like you’re having the vapors. Perhaps you should rest a spell on your porch and fan yourself. You seem pale; a pale representation of a far, far better place.

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From: Traditional Home <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
To: Modern House <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
Cc: ‘CityHall’ <info[at]nimby[dot]gov>
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2014 11:51 PM
Subject: Re: DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

Modern “Home“,

You sir, are a monster.

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From: Modern Home <xxxxxxx[at]squarespace[dot]com>
To: Traditional House <xxxxxxx[at]aol[dot]com>
Cc: ‘AMC’ <iloveoldmovies[at]AMCtv[dot]com>
Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2014 6:55 AM
Subject: Re: Re: DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN EITHER (dickweed)

Dear Ms. O’Hara,

Stop staring at me.

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CREDITS:

This post has been dedicated to the good fight - Hang in there @ModernOakwood.

The photo used in this post is from Ian Sane‘s photostream on Flickr and has been used under the creative commons license –  the original image can be found HERE