According to a hospital official, Thomas Kinkade’s condition is no longer considered critical. Mr. Kinkade has been released from the ICU and is expected to make a full (all be it painfully slow) recovery.
An official spokesman for the Kinkade estate would not confirm the nature of the attack, however several eyewitnesses collaborate the allegations that a band of ravenous Architects, dressed only in turtle-necks, accosted Mr. Kinkade at the grand opening ceremonies for the “Signature Kinkade Village Estates” in Goosefalls Farms, CT.
Thomas Kinkade, famed painter of ideallic glowing landscapes, magical elfin figurines, and decorative soaps, has recently invested heavily in the new Goosefall Farms Heritage Homes and Gardens property in Eastern CT. Mr. Kinkade has personally designed a collection of noble estates, complete with thatched roofs, cobblestone footbridges, artisan crafted enameled hearths, and anatomically correct garden gnomes. Located on the rolling slopes of a former dairy farm, the Goosefall Farms Heritage Homes and the “Signature Kinkade Village Estates” are expected to be completed and ready for pre-sales within 12 months.
Dec. 27th was to mark the grand opening and ceremonial ground breaking festivities. However, at precisely 12:35pm a raged group of unemployed angst-ridden Architects swarmed through the crowds pinning Mr. Kinkade to the podium, poking him wildly with t-shaped sticks, while chanting “not on my watch…not on my watch…not on my watch”.
The attack was brief, yet violent.
All but 2 of the suspected Architects were subsequently picked up by police at a local café and wine bar near the edge of the inner city, somewhere next to the “arts” district. The Architects were apparently celebrating with a round of single malt scotch. Police are asking citizens to remain vigilant until the remaining suspects have been apprehended.
The Co-Developer of the Kinkade Signature Village Estates at Goosefall Farms, M. Stewart could not be reached for comment.